In a strange side-effect of Beijing's climate, I appear to have developed amazing electrical superpowers. I intend to use these new powers to fight crime, but first I need to learn to control them properly, lest I cause untended damage or injury to citizens.

Before coming to Beijing I lived for nine years in Singapore, one of the dampest places on earth. One of the many consequences of the relentless humidity (besides moldy posessions, athlete's foot and a constant, sweaty sheen) is a total absence of static electricity.

Beijing, which has the climate of the nearby Gobi Desert, is one of the most arid places on earth. Especially in Winter, when you can't touch anything without a sudden arc of electricity.

Certain things exacerbate the Beijing Bolt, including taxi rides. For four months I have not successfuly stepped out of a taxi without giving myself (and sometimes the driver) at least two electric shocks. I figure I have begun to develop a resistance to electricity (in the medical sense, not the electrical engineering sense). If they ever strap me into Old Sparky for some heinous crime, they may have to give me extra juice to finish the job, like Michael Jeter in The Green Mile.

Clothing choice can also aggravating the Sino Spark. Artificial fibers, in particular, are painful. This is a problem for me as I often wear a 50/50 wool and polyester peacoat over a polyester fleece when I go out in Winter. This transforms me into my superhero alter-ego, the Human Leyden Jar, able to accumulate vast voltage (if low amperage). Unpeeling my layers in a dark room triggers a lightshow that would awe Pink Floyd. It also leaves my skin stinging. When I am fully dressed I create a sort of cat hair event horizon, a radius inside of which small hairs, dust particles, lint and tiny animals cannot escape!

I've considered tying a wire to my ankle and dragging it behind me so I am constantly grounded. I am also thinking about modifying my electric meter so I can simply jam a finger in and top up my power, rather than having to go to the bank with my stored value card every few weeks.

Meanwhile, you'll be lucky if you read this. I live in terror of destroying my computer.

But criminals and ne'er-do-wells of Beijing, beware. I prowl the streets by night ready to dispense low-watt justice wherever it may be called for.