It's nice to see that the United States isn't the only global power capable of sidling up to squalid regimes in the name of self-interested realpolitik. For a while I thought we had the monopoly, but here's China, doing the tongue-mambo in the back of dad's Chevy with African uber-despot Robert (Bob) Mugabe:

Robert Mugabe may be a pariah in western nations these days but his image clearly remains untarnished in the eyes of Chinese diplomats, who on Tuesday named him an honorary professor.

Undismayed by criticism of Mr Mugabe's urban eviction programme, which the United Nations says has made 700,000 poor people homeless, Beijing’s foreign affairs college instead hailed his “brilliant contribution” to diplomacy and international relations.

“[Mr Mugabe] is a man of strong convictions, a man of great achievements, a man devoted to preserving world peace [and] a good friend of the Chinese people,” gushed An Yongyu, Communist party secretary of the Foreign Ministry-controlled college.

From: “China hails Mugabe's 'brilliant' diplomacy”, by Mure Dickie, the Financial Times, July 27, 2005. (Via Howard French's “A Glimpse of the World” blog.)

Well, I'd say An Yongyu is at least fifty percent correct. I'm unconvinced on “great achievements”, and “world peace” is probably purely by accident. But I'll give him “strong convictions” and “a good friend of the Chinese people”. Rather in the same way that a toady is a good friend of the high-school bully because no-one else wants the job. A look at some other “friends of the Chinese people” yields a similarly high toad-factor:

Such praise and the warm welcome given Mr Mugabe by Hu Jintao, China's president, underline Beijing's willingness to embrace leaders widely shunned in the west as part of its efforts to build international influence and ensure access to key resources.

China signed a $600m (€499m, £344m) oil deal with President Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan in May, shortly after he ordered a bloody crackdown on demonstrators. It has also been expanding economic ties with Sudan, despite accusations that its government has been involved in genocide.

Elsewhere in Africa, China's Eximbank last year approved a $2bn credit line for Angola, which, like Zimbabwe, has a poor human rights record but is the continent's second largest oil producer. China, after the US, is a main customer.

At their meeting on Tuesday Mr Hu told Mr Mugabe that China and Zimbabwe were “sincere friends and trustworthy partners”. Beijing planned to expand diplomatic co-operation with Mr Mugabe's government, Chinese state media quoted Mr Hu as saying before their joint signing of an economic co-operation agreement.

Personally, I think it's heartwarming that Messrs Mugabe and Hu share a strong and widely cited mutual commitment to non interference in the domestic affairs of other countries. You ignore my devastating human rights violations and I'll ignore yours. I used to play the same game with the girls in my second-grade class. Now, where's Myanmar for a round of spin-the-bottle?

To help scrub off the oily sheen left by close proximity to “Dr.” Mugabe, I note that China has also ratcheted up its PR and lobbying game. This may constitute belated recognition of a theory long advanced by Imagethief: the Chinese government's PR is assworthy, at best.

Seeking to build political influence in Washington, the Chinese embassy has retained Patton Boggs to lobby on a wide range of issues before Congress, according to a lobbying registration statement filed last week with the US Department of Justice.

The enlistment of Patton Boggs which has also represented such countries as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Pakistan highlights China's efforts to respond to the rising wave of anti-Chinese sentiment in Congress. Beyond trade, the ill-feeling is also driven by Chinese threats towards Taiwan and China's rapid military expansion which was highlighted this month by a special Pentagon report mandated by Congress.

Over the past two years, China has significantly expanded its presence in Washington, with Chinese government ministries and even provincial governments hiring several prominent lobbying firms to work on trade issues in particular.

CNOOC has hired Akin Gump and Public Strategies, a well-connected communications firm, to try to fend off congressional concerns over the bid for Unocal.

Patton Boggs confirmed that the firm would provide counsel to the embassy on “congressional matters”. The contract, dated July 11, calls for the embassy to pay a $22,000 monthly retainer for the firm's services.

Robert Kapp, former president of the US-China Business Council commented: “The Chinese are learning to walk the walk and talk the talk, and I don't have a problem with it.”

From: “China launches campaign to counter US critics”, by Guy Dinmore and Scott Heiser, the Financial Times, July 28, 2005.

Speaking of squalid regimes, you mean Zimbabwe isn't among Patton Boggs' clients? As for “walking the walk and talking the talk”, in big-time PR circles, 22 large a month represents about a medium retainer. Even my old firm in Singapore had bigger accounts. I don't know about lobbying, but I gotta reckon that kind of swish budget buys you access to the most influential congressional paiges.

But it doesn't matter how much the Chinese embassy in Swamptown drops on cuff-links. The lobbying may be great, but the PR is still rotten. Two of the basic rules of PR are consistency and timing, and the Chinese don't seem to have mastered either. China's lobbyists might be tapping their cigar-ash right onto the carpet in the oval office. But it won't accomplish anything.if, meanwhile, General Zhu “Duke Nukem” Chenghu is threatening to irradiate everything east of the international date-line and the foreign ministry is banging its shoe on the zhuxitai and making Nikita Kruschev “we will bury you” statements, as happened during CNOOC's bid for Unocal.

The article points out that many Chinese ministries and provincial governments have hired lobbying firms. Imagethief is ready to bet that they are all busy undermining each other. Meanwhile, there are plenty of forces in Washington that are hostile to China, and probably running well funded and strategically sound lobbying and PR compaigns.

If you're waiting for pro-China rainbows to start busting out inside the beltway, don't hold your breath.

Footnote: For a really good time, read the China Daily reader opinion piece condemning the UK's “scurrilous propaganda rag”, the Times, for their article about Mugabe's visit to China (the post includes the text of the Times article, which is registration only). I'm sorry; who's a propaganda rag?

Update: Apparently Zimbabweans aren't entirely sold on the deal with China.

Bonus pop culture quiz: Who is the Beatles song “Dr. Robert” about? No Google!