So China’s two astronauts have just returned from four days in orbit to heroes’ welcomes, and China has just announced plans for a spacewalk by 2007 and a female astronaut.

Imagethief would like to take this moment to applaud the Chinese space program for two reasons. First, as a professional spin-doctor, I appreciate that a nation indifferent to repairing the sink-holes in the sidewalk outside my apartment can muster the drive to fire astronauts into outer space. It goes to show you that China’s priorities are, quite correctly, set on propaganda. I don’t say this lightly. Space programs have long served as diversions from other, more pressing matters, such as, say, Southeast Asian wars. Furthermore, recent rallying points in China have largely revolved around the heinous Japanese, so it’s good to see some national symbolism that is more positive, if still phallic and potentially military in deployment.

Second, China’s ability to casually broadcast its citizens into orbit it brings this world something we have sorely lacked since, arguably, 1969: a space race.

Think about it. The United States space program is in complete disarray. Until recently we could launch astronauts into space just fine, but our recent record of getting them back in one piece was spotty. Now we can’t even launch, since the crumbling shuttle can’t be fired off without leaving insulating foam, paint chips, taillight covers, differentials and various gaskets and springs lying on the launch pad. The goddamn thing is twenty-five years old, with approximately 475 years of design lead-time, which makes it Renaissance technology. It’s practically horse-drawn. Sure it’s been retrofit, but you want to be launched into space in a 1981 Winnebago, even if it’d had an engine rebuild?

The shocking result is that once proud, space-faring America is forced to rely upon basket-case Russia for its lift capabilities and for possible evacuation of the decrepit and dull-as-concrete space-station, should the vaccu-flush fail. It’s particularly galling considering that we were essentially subsidizing the work of Russian rocket scientists on their space program with the space station.

The problem isn’t really that the space shuttle suffers from the occasional fiery disintegration; you expect that in any space program worth its salt. Why, in the square-jawed early days of America’s space program, we blew crap up left and right, and still managed to grit our teeth for the next launch. The problem is that we’ve had no competition, and lack of competition has made us boringly risk averse. We’re the soccer-mom of nations, afraid to take the kids out in anything less than a Chevy Suburban. A risk averse space program is like motor racing with the accidents edited out. You could watch, but why would you want to?

That’s why I say, go Shenzhou! And I expect the Chinese to have big ambitions. Let me explain.

My good friend and ex-colleague, the Wolf, thinks that China is aiming for a regular rotation on the space station and seat on NASA’s eventual (and still hypothetical) Mars-shot. Personally, I think the chances of America inviting the Chinese to ride shotgun on the flight to Mars, when there are so many more cooperative nations to pick from, is about as likely as the high-school quarterback asking a girl with no nose to the prom. Despite what you may have seen on ABC after-school specials, it just doesn’t happen in the real world.

China is already making rumblings about the moon. But we’ve been there and done that. There’s already an American flag on the moon. Why play second-banana to something the Yanks did almost forty years ago? The Chinese reputation as copy-cats aside, that doesn’t sound like their style. They’ll want to make a bold statement.

That’s why I suggest the Chinese go for broke, bypass the moon, and aim straight for Mars. Think of the benefits. It’s the Red Planet. Imagine the symbolism of claiming it for China. They could amend the old Maoist anthem The East is Red into the far more spanning and ominous Up is Red. They could redraw all their maps to encompass an enormous scoop of space and the entirety of Mars. I get chills.

And, of course, they’d put a massive finger squarely in the arrogant American eye.

Now, as soon as the Americans figured out that the Chinese were serious about this, they’d crank their own space program into high gear. Then armchair astronauts like me would really have something to watch. And, guaranteed, some monumental explosions along the way.

And think of the crap that could be swept under the carpet in the shadow of a huge, global pissing match to see who can the biggest rocket up. Failing wars, political scandals, disintegrating policies. Even, just to be bipartisan about this, White House intern nookie. All would disappear in a haze of rocket smoke. At least for a while.

It’s a propagandist’s dream