Imagethief comes to this issue a little late, but I feel that it is important and should be addressed in a serious, public forum. But, since I don't have a serious public forum, this blog will have to do.

I have followed with some consternation the recent renaming of the Five Furballs Foofies Felchmonkeys Funbunnies Friendlies. For those who aren't keeping up with the news, BOCOG, the Beijing Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games, has announced that henceforth the mascots will globally use their Chinese name, "Fuwa". For my friends back the US, fuwa translates literally as "fortune dolls", although, for poetic reasons, I prefer to translate it "fortune babies".

 
  Out: Fuwa

Like everyone else on the planet, I thought "Five Friendlies" was a pretty lame name. Although, considering that Atlanta gave us "Whatizit", and the generally dismal history of Olympic mascots, it wasn't really catastrophic.

The official reasons given were that using the Chinese name was "true to [the mascots'] Chineseness" (whatever that means) and, more alarmingly, that the name might be interpreted as "Friend Lies" or (weep) "Friend Less". It's pretty clear that this is an anti-Chinglish defensive maneuver. Barring a colossal typographical error, no native English speaker on the planet is going to look at the word "Friendlies" and see "Friend Lies" in their head. It's just not going to happen.

On the other hand, it's entirely likely that a native English speaker will look at the word "Fuwa" and think to themselves, What the fuck? If that isn't a marketing coup, I don't know what is. I can't think of any product that has put What the fuck? into my head with the same verve since New Coke. Hat's off to BOCOG on that one. I can hear the boxes flying off shelves from my apartment.

One prone to mischief might secretly think the name change was a response to disappointing sales, possibly as a result of to many goddamn mascots, which was a suggestion made in a CNN television story a couple of days ago (sorry, no print story). If so, then name changes may be academic.

Fortunately, Imagethief is here with a solution that could benefit almost all parties involved: Cashier the Fuwa and replace them with the recently announced Paralympic mascot, Fu Niu Lele (Fortune Cow Happy Happy!). Fu Niu is altogether cuter and more marketable (although on psychedelic factor it's a bit of a toss-up). Were Fu Niu Lele associated with the Big Show instead of the well meaning but essentially invisible Paralympics, I'm pretty sure she'd shift container ships worth of merchandise globally. Heck, I already want a Fu Niu Lele T-Shirt.

Of course, there is the little matter of screwing over the Paralympians. But they're probably used to hardship and discrimination, especially in China, which isn't exactly known for a progressive attitude when it comes to the disabled. And they can always have the Fuwa, who should be happy to have any gig at all before being consigned once and for all to the obscurity of the great gift-shop in the sky.


  In: Fu Niu