As a regular user of China's domestic airlines, Imagethief has learned the hard way that Chinese air travel is simply the bus travel of the twenty-first century. It's been a painful process for someone who still recalls flying Pan-Am from San Francisco to London as a young lad during the 1970s. Those were the days when the 747 was an impossibly glamorous novelty (the upstairs was still a "lounge") and a pair of plastic pilot's wings was quite simply the coolest thing on earth.

It's safe to say that the concepts of glamor and Chinese air travel are seldom associated. Still, despite the humiliations, indignities, delays and countless meals consisting of mystery noodles and oddly sweet tomato juice, I could always console myself with one thought: at least the ubiquitous mobile phones were silent for an hour or two.

Not any more:

HONG KONG (AFP) — Shenzhen Airlines said Monday passengers will soon be able to use their mobile phones and connect to the Internet during flights.

Swiss-based technology firm OnAir, which is providing the service, said the move will allow travellers to call and send text messages from their mobile phones and access the Internet on laptops during flights.

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Shenzhen Airlines President Li Kun said: "We are very proud to be the first airline in China to provide passengers with the ability to communicate during flights."

Airlines have previously provided onboard air-to-ground fixed telephones on some seats at a premium charge. But until now they have banned the use of mobiles.

Fabulous. This is just the thing to ensure that local air travel completes its descent into hell. Noise reducing headphones are great for the constant drone of engines, but far less useful for the transients, squawks and sheer volume of mobile phone conversation. Now I can look forward to having every conceivable variation of the following conversation delivered straight into my middle ear at top volume:

"喂? 喂? 你说吧. 我在飞机上. 在飞机上啊! 我听不见. 再说吧! 喂? 我听不见! 喂!? 喂!!!?"

Next day's headline:

Air passenger has beef noodles crammed up nose by enraged foreigner

"He just went berserk," said the unfortunate traveler, Mr. Cao, who was in the process of closing an important deal when his on-air phone call was interrupted by the assault. "One minute he was trying to open a packet of salted vegetables. The next thing I know he's hitting me over the head with a meal tray and babbling something about China Mobile and the spawn of Satan. It was terrifying."

The government is calling for stricter screening tests for foreign applicants for Chinese residency and mandatory psychological testing before they are allowed to fly. 

Doctors are hopeful that they will be able to remove all the noodles from Mr. Cao's sinuses, but stress that it is too early to know for sure. "They're way up there," said one doctor.

The foreigner is being held for psychological observation at Beijing-Arkham Asylum. A psychiatrist said that he appears normal most of the time but flies into a rage when simultaneously shown drawings of an airplane and a mobile phone. He can be calmed down with an illustration of a fluffy bunny.

The foreigner is still considered a danger to himself and to others and will likely be deported to a country to be picked at random by spinning an enormous wheel. "We find that's much more fun than sending people back to their own country," said an immigration official. "Plus, we can bet on the outcome."

In a mobile-phone obsessed country this was inevitable, and I've been steeling myself for it for some time. The article says the service is expected to go live in 2009 (barring three demonstration aircraft planned to in operation for --you guessed it-- the Olympics), so we get something of a reprieve. But it's yet one more reason why booking out a soft-sleeper train compartment is looking more and more like the default travel option of the future.

Lithgow
 Lemme out! 

Related:

David Wolf on one way in which mobile phones could be genuinely useful to Chinese air travel